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7 reasons this father did not vote for Donald Trump

Senator Hillary Clinton had her issues. There is no question that over her decades of service to the United States and the globe, there were some downright shady practices that could have easily propelled a more polished republican political candidate into the White House but this article is not about Hillary. This article is about the values of fatherhood or lack thereof that I have witnessed from Donald Trump. Regardless of his actual policies, there are just certain values that every father I know stresses and I see none of them being exuded by Mr. Trump and therefore I could have never voted for him. The following are the top 7 values that every father hopes their children exude that Donald Trump simply does not, pre and post election.

1. Be Honest

As a father of 2 girls and a boy ranging in age from 2-10, my wife and I are engaged in constant conversations with them about the importance of telling the truth and having integrity. There is an African proverb that says when you tell the truth you don’t need a good memory. Throughout his 70-year history, Donald Trump has proven to be an individual who will say whatever it takes to anyone to get what he wants and denies what he says when confronted, even if video or audio recording proves his prior comments. During this election, he has flip-flopped on so many issues that I could never know whether he is telling the truth. We teach our kids that if people cannot believe you, they cannot trust you so always tell the truth regardless of the consequences.

2. Don’t call other people names

Every father I know teaches their children to have respect for others. We tell them to not call people out of their names. Donald Trump is quick to refer to anyone with whom he disagrees as ugly, disgusting, fat pig, Ms. Piggy, Ms. Housekeeping, horrible liar, and much worse. We teach our children that everyone was given a name and that name should always be honored. As a child who was often called names like “African bush boogie” and “African booty scratcher” and worse, I grew up knowing exactly how it feels to be minimalized by being called out of my name. I would never let my children call people out of their names and have it go unchecked and I would also remind them of how low they felt when someone else called them out of their names, which has already happened far too often for their young ages.

3: Don’t make fun of people

There have been many actions throughout Trump’s campaign that I have deemed to be extremely ignorant and disrespectful. At the top of the list is his mocking of a reporter with a disability. We teach our children that you do not make fun of people who may appear to be disadvantaged physically, economically, etc. we ask them how they would feel if someone who appeared to be in a better position or status than them mocked them in some way, shape, or form. Kendra & I teach them that if they don’t have anything good to say about someone, do not say anything at all. We teach them to help build up others, not tear them down. We teach them to be upstanders when they see others being picked on and not bystanders like we have seen by so many Trump supporters at his rallies.

4. Put up or shut up

Donald Trump claims that he is a successful billionaire and vows to be a very patriotic individual who will make America great again but he has refused to provide his tax returns to the public to prove that he is indeed a billionaire or for that matter, a patriot. We do not know what foreign entities he owes money to. Furthermore, Trump has a history of engaging in practices that have not put America first from the hiring of illegal immigrants (which he has been fined for) to cozying up with a Russian dictator in Vladimir Putin whose values are diametrically opposed to those of the United States. We teach our kids to not talk about it but to be about it. We teach them that actions speak louder than words so they should not go out bragging about things that are not true or that they cannot prove.

5. Don’t blame others for your shortcomings

We teach our children that no one cares about their excuses, only their results. We tell them to not blame other people for the things they do not accomplish in life. We teach them that regardless of the resources they may not have, they can achieve anything they want if they work hard enough. If they are not successful, we teach them to take responsibility for their failings. Donald Trump blames everyone else for his shortcomings. Any time he seemed like he was in danger of losing a primary state election, he went into a tirade about how the system is rigged and blamed in advance the entire American political system for any possible electoral failures if he lost. We teach our children that part of being a leader is taking responsibility for your actions and remembering that as cliché as it sounds, when you point your finger at others, there are three fingers pointing back at you.

6. Believe people when they show you who they are

We teach our children that a leopard never changes its spots (although my daughter’s response was “Sure it can. It just finds a new spot” as in a place to live). Dr. Maya Angelou said that when people show you who they are believe them. Kendra and I think this is important as they get older and possibly start dating or just in general with their friends and colleagues. We teach them for example, that if someone can hit you they can kill you. We teach them that if people call you negative names, they don’t love you. Donald Trump has shown that he is a racially ignorant, sexist, philandering, islamophobic wanna-be-demagogue who speaks in pedophiliac terms about his own daughter. He cannot be believed when he says he will respect the blue-collar worker because he never has. His continual belief that the Central Park 5 are guilty shows he cannot stomach the idea of being wrong and his history of misogyny proves that we will never demonstrate a healthy respect for women. This is who he has proven himself to be in 70 years. He will never change his spots, even if he does indeed find a new spot.

7. Facts matter

I know we live in an anti-intellectual climate where the average American reads one book a year after completing school and we look at professional wrestling and reality shows as real but the professor in me still believes that facts will one day matter again, maybe after this election. Donald Trump is quick to say “A lot of people I talk to are saying…” or “A lot of people saw Muslims in America celebrating 911” or “A lot of people are asking for Obama’s birth certificate”, etc. without pointing to any facts. We teach our children that they need to back up their accusations with facts. With my American University students, I tell them that they can’t just make generalized statements and expect to pass my course or anyone’s course for that matter. As Joe Madison says, facts to many people today are like kryptonite to Superman. We teach our children to arm themselves with facts and most people will run away from them when they shoot out any word of truth.

At the end of the day, Donald Trump is 70-year old boy and he is proud of it, given his acknowledgment that he is the same person he was since he was 8 years old. I personally found that disrespectful to the thousands of compassionate, honest, and service-oriented 8 year olds I have met around the world but that is a story for another day. He proudly touted his comments of assaulting women as locker room banter though no father I know speaks like that. His wife Melania says raising him is like having two teenage sons and many of us found it amusing. There is nothing funny to me about a man who violates the basic tenets of fatherhood in his quest to become Kin…President of the United States. We know that all of our kids our watching. We need to ensure that they do not pick up on his foolishness and try to emulate it for it will be a recipe for disaster in their personal and professional lives.

So you call yourself a leader?

The chosen few are the few who chose

To step up to open doors tightly closed

So you call yourself a leader, but what does that mean?

Getting green, turning green, badly running your team?

Sadly killing the dream of hopeful teen?

Madly willing your ideas not even listening?

Does it mean you celebrate on election day

Cause you can add your new position to your resume?

Can you handle criticism when your peers dis’ you?

Cause you don’t care about theirs but only your issue?

Pass the tissue, makes me sad how some leaders let

Power get to their heads, constituents they forget

You’re just a leader in name if you’re just searchin for fame

For acclaim, it’s a shame why some get in the game

Leadership ain’t for the lame, don’t take it in vein

Time to rethink your position understand why you came

See a leader is someone who listens first then speaks

Someone focused on being the change we seek

Someone who understands they represent all people

Don’t get that your leadership will never have a sequel

Do you seek to understand before being understood?

Do you take time to visit other neighborhoods?

A leader builds coalitions, builds community

Builds unity, ain’t subject to impunity

We need real leaders to step up to the plate

To take a swing at racism, other types of hate

To stomp out bullying, help end genocide

Do your best to help others hold their heads with pride

A leader builds a team, can’t do it all by yourself

A leader remembers to practice good health

Cause you’re no good to no one if you’re not good to you

So let me ask you again, is leadership in you?

Before you commit suicide, read this…

…I’ve been there. I’ve been suicidal and I can tell you without a doubt that it gets better if you just hold on. In the late 1980s and early 1990s, I was growing up in inner city Boston at the height of what was called the “Crack Epidemic.” Across America, inner city neighborhoods in particular were being ravaged by crack cocaine. As a teenager, so many young black men were dying or being incarcerated, that some of us took to wearing shirts saying “Young Black Men: endangered species.” There was not an expectation that I would even make it to my 18th birthday so part of me thought: “Why try?” Those circumstances alone were enough to make me feel like I had no reason to live but in the case of anyone thinking of taking their lives, there’s always more going on.

In addition to living in a crime-ridden, drug-infested neighborhood and being bullied at school, I also did not grow up in the best economic situation. My self-esteem took a hit in middle and high school because I did not have the nicest clothes. We also fell on tough times at home, often having to go without electricity, heat, or even hot water. So outside of my home I felt like I could just be killed at any moment and at home, I didn’t always feel comfortable given that a rat could run by my cold feet at any given moment. These two issues would be more than enough to make me feel worthless but of course, there’s always more.

In retrospect, the biggest challenge I faced that drove me close to suicide was the absence of my father during my seventh grade year. My parents have spent their entire lives fighting for the liberation of oppressed people, especially in the Congo, their place of birth. In the late 1980s, my dad was attacked in a central African country and left for dead after his head was bashed in with a crowbar. He spent much of my 7th grade year overseas in a coma. My hero was gone and now I was ready to be too. I just got tired of being broke, fatherless, and having to fear for my life everyday. I looked at the knives in my kitchen on a daily basis and knew I could just end it all right there. Two things happened during this time that changed my thinking and life forever.

The first life-saving event occurred at a youth conference I attended. A speaker said: “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” What? Are you kidding me? It’s not going to be like THIS forever? I don’t know if I truly believed her words then, but the seeds had already been planted subconsciously by her words. The second event occurred when my sister actually confronted me about my suicidal thoughts. I had mentioned my thoughts to a youth counselor and he told my sister. She tearfully told me how much I would be missed by our family if I took my own life. Being that I never wanted to be one to disappoint anybody (especially my family), I decided to stick around a little longer. Prolonging my life was the best decision I ever made in my life. If you are thinking of committing suicide, I need you to please finish reading this blog post in hopes of changing your mind.

Let me tell you about my life now. I am writing this post from a hotel in upstate New York where I am getting ready to provide a motivational talk to 400 students at a high school. Motivational speaking is my passion. I am actually even getting paid nowadays to share my passion. When I finish speaking, I will get in my car and drive back to my house in Washington, DC where I will then kiss my wife who has been with me since we were junior prom dates 20 years ago, and then I will hug and kiss my two beautiful daughters and talk to them about their day. After that I’ll take another look in shock at the article I had published in O Magazine, the picture of myself on the cover of a national magazine, and think about how I am going organize my 8th album before I do some reading for my doctoral studies. Am I saying these things to impress you? Absolutely not. I am saying these things to impress upon you that if you give yourself a chance; if you just hold on for a little longer, your life will turn around.

If anyone told me as a teen that I would be living the life I’m living now, I would have told them to go do something not too nice to themselves. The fact of the matter is that someone believed in me. Someone right now believes in you and, as Les Brown said, sometimes you have to let someone else’s belief in you hold you together until you develop the ability to believe in yourself. If someone is telling you to hold on or to wait another day, do them a favor and play along with them. You will eventually outlast your bully. You will outlast the teasing. You will outlast the racist, homophobic, classist, and sexist slurs as well as the ignorance directed towards you because of your religion. It does get better and if no one told you they believe in you then let me be the first. The only reason I am writing this blog is because I believe in you.

You may be the next president of something or the next Superbowl halftime star. You might invent a phone that makes the iPhone look like a Lego set with earphones. More important than all of that, you may just have a normal life that you cannot imagine because you live in so much turmoil now. Trust me, it gets better. Life can be good to you if you let it be good to you. Let the people in who care for you. I let my family in and they saved my life. You may not have a strong family that has your back like I did but there has to be someone: a teacher, mailman, store clerk, or a friend in class who believes and sees good in you. Someone you know and maybe someone you do not know, believes in you and if you think hard enough about it, you can identify that person. As it has been said, we can find a thousand reasons why we cannot accomplish our goals when all we need is one reason why we can. Find that one reason and hold on to it for dear life. Brown says you were picked out to be picked on, which basically means you are not given anything that you cannot handle. Your work here is simply not done.

Don’t short change yourself by taking your life. Don’t let the bullies win. They may be working for you one day since they spend no time building their own dream, just trying to destroy yours. Don’t short change the world of the good that you may do for humanity. Let the good in. Let the bad out. Find that one person who believes in you. Find that one reason to keep going. Get counseling at school or elsewhere. Maybe you have a sibling who needs you and you hold on for that sibling until you can do it for yourself. Use your survival as an example for others to follow. I’ve spoken to almost 100,000 youth across the globe. Some have said that they stopped thinking of suicide after they heard me. Imagine that. You can actually go from wanting to take your own life to saving the lives of other people. How’s that for a turn around? You have a lot of life to live so get busy living! You were not born to die. You were born to thrive. If you just stay the course, it will get better. Don’t kill yourself. Just give yourself a chance by deciding to live.

The Future of Youth: hanging out with A-State UPstanders!

 

As a youth motivational speaker, I get to meet some of the best and brightest students on the planet.I had the truest honor to speak about the importance of being an UPstander and not a bystander at Arkansas State University. I was welcomed by the incredible students of the Student Activities Board before speaking to over 400 students. I even learned how to throw up the Red Wolves sign!

We covered a wide range of topics from standing up and being a designated driver to speaking up on issues of bullying, racism, sexism, homophobia, and more. This was my first time visiting Arkansas and I hope it won’t be my last time. Arkansas State University is a special place with very special students doing great things. I immediately felt like a part of the ASU community. Anyone who believes that young people are not doing positive things needs to visit the home of the A-State Red Wolves!

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